A Year to be Alive

tumblr_o1u9g6onv11tn8bf0o1_1280My days are beginning to draw long and dull. There isn’t much achieved between one day to the next but I’m finding a sort of relaxation in it. Finally not stressing or worrying, constantly busy and rushing. I dedicate my time to things I enjoy like writing and I’ve found a hidden joy for cooking, though my budget doesn’t support it. I try to create decent meals with what few supplies I have. New York has proven much tougher than expected. I came over full of determination and fire but in a week that has all  but faded. I no longer feel confident in my ability to achieve anything. I have applied to over 100 job positions online and several in person and have heard back from three. One at an insurance company (which I have chosen not to pursue due to my hatred of suits and sales), Another from a local restaurant and the final from a law firm. However only one has succeeded in scheduling an interview time. Thus it looks like I may be on my way to waitering once more. I have become accustomed to that career but it no longer offers me any fulfilment. There use to be a joy in its lack of responsibility. Now thought there is a voice saying “You can do better”. It pushes me towards achievement and success rather than settlement. For the first time in my life I know what I want to be. I don’t know how or why or even really what kind, but I want to be a writer. I don’t know how long I will want to do this for but at the moment I know that I can see myself doing this as a career. For the longest time I’ve avoiding approaching careers because every single direction left me scared. I was scared of being stuck far down a path I didn’t want to walk. Yet here I am staring down this path of literature and I still feel the same immense fear yet it’s different. I don’t fear getting trapped in it but rather not being able to make it. This is something I really want and I just have no clue how to do it, if I’m doing it write, or what kind of writing I want to do. It’s become more and more clear to me that I need to go to university. I’ve avoided it for so long because I refused to believe that there was justification behind 5+ years being spent on a single path but now that I’ve discovered something I want to pursue that seems not just manageable but exciting. To spend 5 years not worrying about money or a career but rather just writing. To learn and expand my passion and come out more prepared to pursue it. Now I’ve missed admissions for this year being the late bloomer I always have been but now I’ve got this entire year to enjoy knowing that I’m heading the right direction. This year will just be the set up for next year. I’ll experiment with my writing. See what I enjoy, what works, what doesn’t and make some money while I’m at it. I’ll fuel my enjoyment of cooking as well. This is the year I learn how I like to live. Then next year will be how I begin achieving the way I want to live. There is so much still undecided and I’m glad that for the time being I’m content. I don’t have tremendous stress or worries. Just keep on the job hunt and make something good to eat tonight. Now that I can handle.

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